To embark upon a soul-searching journey is to ask challenging questions and come to grips with sometimes harsh realities. However daunting, the process is worthwhile.
In the previous post, I shared some of my frustrations with trying to pick a career path. Sitting around waiting for the light bulb to finally come on was stressing me out. In the meantime, I was driving myself crazy, literally, and not really paying attention to how my neurosis was affecting other people.
When I was in undergrad, I used to attend all these events. I knew too many professors, and they were always inviting me to things. (Actually, you can never know to many professors if you plan on pursuing a career in academia, and you must accept their invitations so you can meet more professors.) Anyway, at one of these events each professor in the History department was asked to give words of wisdom to the graduating students. The only line of advice I remember from that day was, "Don't become obsessed."
I wanted so badly to follow that advice, but I think I was already to deep in my own obsessions to truly believe in anything different. Even though I have learned to deal with my perfectionism to some degree, I am still obsessive - mostly because there are so many things in my life that lie beyond my control.
Rational people know that stressing over things you can't control makes no sense. I, however, do not fall into that category of rational people. I used to be very rational before I ever flirted with the idea that I can make a career out of something I enjoy rather than being confined to the typical career paths I had previously envisioned. Passion has made me irrational, or at least my romanticized perception of passion.
Somehow, I developed the illusion that if I was passionate about something, everything would flow nicely. For example, if I was passionate about building homeless shelters, I would love every aspect of a job that allowed me to do what I love. People are quick to use that cliche, "If you find something you truly love, you will never work a day in your life." Well, that's the kind of bull contributing to my delusional views of passion. In reality, pursuing one's passion can be highly time-consuming, costly, and stressful. People who want to be doctors have to endure medical school first, and no matter how smart they are or how badly they want to be doctors, there are parts of medical school that they hate. This applies to any profession.
Aside from delusion, trying to live up to expectations outside of your own creates emotional tension as well. As I reflect upon decisions I've made in the past regarding how to best pursue my passion, listening to other people caused me to miss out on some training that could have been beneficial. I don't regret my decisions because I have learned invaluable lessons about myself and other people. Actually, it's only through realizing how much others' expectations affect me that I've been able to understand why my I found myself in such a state of instability.
I plan to continue working through my anxieties concerning my career and my future. I know that God has been opening my eyes, my heart, and my mind and helping me build confidence in my ability and my judgment. I will join the ranks of the rational once again, but I'm bringing my passion with me.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Passion(s) vs. Goals
In an effort to deal with my procrastination problem, I checked out a book a few months ago. I don't remember the name of it, but the authors of the book pointed out some reasons why people procrastinate. As I read this book I reflected upon when my procrastination problem began to spin out of control, which led me to a self-evaluation of sorts. Over the past few months I have been doing a lot of writing (though some of that I'm not sharing without a copyright) as a means of both analysis and catharsis. This is just another piece of my cathartic process.
A couple of years ago, I was having a conversation with my best friend about goals and passion(s), and I remember saying to her that I could not understand how a person could live life without passion(s). Now, I'm not saying that she lacks passion(s); she clearly enjoys life. However, at the time I felt that she lacked goals and offered that as an explanation for why things in her life seemed so confusing. But now, two years later, I understand exactly why she was so conflicted by being caught in a tug-of-war between her own heart and everyone else's expectations.
At the time of our conversation, I was confusing passion(s) and goals. My assumption, in my naivety, was that if you could discover the things you are passionate about, then the goals would automatically exist. I've learned that, at least for me, this isn't true. There's a difference between something you like to do, a hobby, and something you plan to do, a goal. Even though I have discovered and developed my values and passions, I don't have any career goals that involve a concrete employment field or even a job title. I know that may sound silly, but I'm beginning to realize that throughout undergraduate school, I never had a career goal - only suggestions from others.
Recently, I've been trying to figure out what kind of career would make me happy. When I started teaching last year (currently I am not teaching), I went into the profession with an open mind. Teaching was not what I had planned to do with my life, but I actually hadn't PLANNED anything. I remember several people including former professors, friends, and some family members saying to me, "You're too smart to be a teacher." Now, while I appreciate the compliment and somewhat understand their intent, what exactly am I supposed to do with that? Become a rocket scientist? What kind of job does a "smart person" have? And even though many of my former colleagues are not smart (I won't call names), some of them are (shout out to Jessica and Keith). And wouldn't you rather a smart person teach your children than a person who is just average or below? I am not saying that I definitely want to be a teacher, but I am also not saying I definitely don't. If do decide to go back into the education field or if I decide to work in another profession, I don't want people to look down on me as if I'm settling. Better yet, I have to stop caring whether or not they think I'm settling.
After much thought, I'm still not all that sure what career I would like to have. I don't plan to stress over it any further. I do know that I would like for my passions and my goals (whatever they may be) to cross paths sometimes. Even though pursuing my passions in a career would be ideal, I realize that all of my many interests might not be addressed in a job setting, and passion does not always have to take the form of a career. Whatever decision I make will be my own. I have at least learned that much.
A couple of years ago, I was having a conversation with my best friend about goals and passion(s), and I remember saying to her that I could not understand how a person could live life without passion(s). Now, I'm not saying that she lacks passion(s); she clearly enjoys life. However, at the time I felt that she lacked goals and offered that as an explanation for why things in her life seemed so confusing. But now, two years later, I understand exactly why she was so conflicted by being caught in a tug-of-war between her own heart and everyone else's expectations.
At the time of our conversation, I was confusing passion(s) and goals. My assumption, in my naivety, was that if you could discover the things you are passionate about, then the goals would automatically exist. I've learned that, at least for me, this isn't true. There's a difference between something you like to do, a hobby, and something you plan to do, a goal. Even though I have discovered and developed my values and passions, I don't have any career goals that involve a concrete employment field or even a job title. I know that may sound silly, but I'm beginning to realize that throughout undergraduate school, I never had a career goal - only suggestions from others.
Recently, I've been trying to figure out what kind of career would make me happy. When I started teaching last year (currently I am not teaching), I went into the profession with an open mind. Teaching was not what I had planned to do with my life, but I actually hadn't PLANNED anything. I remember several people including former professors, friends, and some family members saying to me, "You're too smart to be a teacher." Now, while I appreciate the compliment and somewhat understand their intent, what exactly am I supposed to do with that? Become a rocket scientist? What kind of job does a "smart person" have? And even though many of my former colleagues are not smart (I won't call names), some of them are (shout out to Jessica and Keith). And wouldn't you rather a smart person teach your children than a person who is just average or below? I am not saying that I definitely want to be a teacher, but I am also not saying I definitely don't. If do decide to go back into the education field or if I decide to work in another profession, I don't want people to look down on me as if I'm settling. Better yet, I have to stop caring whether or not they think I'm settling.
After much thought, I'm still not all that sure what career I would like to have. I don't plan to stress over it any further. I do know that I would like for my passions and my goals (whatever they may be) to cross paths sometimes. Even though pursuing my passions in a career would be ideal, I realize that all of my many interests might not be addressed in a job setting, and passion does not always have to take the form of a career. Whatever decision I make will be my own. I have at least learned that much.
Friday, January 23, 2009
A Reflection on the Year's Biggest Event Thus Far
I realize that I had not done a post in 2009. I was going to do a New Year's Resolution post, but resolutions are kind of out of style, and my resolutions for this year are kind of personal. I also realize that my last few posts have been a little on the sarcastic side. While I plan to keep those witty ones coming, I want to use this post to reflect on the inauguration of Barack Obama.
Now, I know that millions of people have blogged about this same topic with various points, compliments, and maybe even insults. My original intent was to publish a post about the inauguration on Wednesday, but now I see why I have waited.
Today, I attended a Brown Bag discussion at my university where one of my professors was giving a talk about Barack Obama. Obviously, he discussed Obama's inauguration, but the thesis of his presentation was about Obama's book Dreams From My Father. The professor's main goal was to project the idea and concept of bi-culturalism in Obama's work and to interpret Obama's journey in self-identity as a Black man.
At the end of the discussion, a woman of mixed heritage, like Obama, discussed how she felt disappointed by the fact that media referred to Barack Obama as African-American throughout the inauguration coverage without acknowledging the fact that his mother is white. Later on, a friend of mine mentioned this same issue, and so now I want to provide my response to that.
I have to admit, in my wanting to claim Barack Obama (and Michelle Obama) as a product of Black progress, I felt offended that people would try to minimize such a huge moment in Black history. But then, I reflected upon my emotional response to their sentiments and realized that in my desire to only see the black side of Obama, I am belittling and minimizing the experiences of biracial/multiracial people. That is not what I aim to do at all, and so even though I did not actually say anything about my monopolizing Obama's blackness to these individuals, I want to apologize for my short-sighted response.
Now, please don't get it twisted. I take pride in Obama's election, and I take pride in the Obama family living in the White House as a Black family. While I understand Obama's genetic and cultural heritage, I feel that because a significant part of his heritage and self-identity is Black that he represents, and if not represents, understands my struggles/issues/concerns as a Black person. In his book, Dreams From My Father, Obama does not deny his white lineage. At the same time his identity struggles have been based on the conflict between his outer appearance and his genetic reality. Biologically, race does not exist. Genetically, there are more differences between fruit flies than there are between humans. But socially, race exists and it matters. When people SEE Obama for the first time, they do not SEE his white mother. They SEE his brown skin. That is the reality of our society.
With all that said, the fact that people are even engaging in this conversation proves that we are NOT in a post-racial society as the media so often inaccurately report. Race still matters, and it should, but in a way that celebrates culture, not in a way that ignores and/or erases culture.
Now, I know that millions of people have blogged about this same topic with various points, compliments, and maybe even insults. My original intent was to publish a post about the inauguration on Wednesday, but now I see why I have waited.
Today, I attended a Brown Bag discussion at my university where one of my professors was giving a talk about Barack Obama. Obviously, he discussed Obama's inauguration, but the thesis of his presentation was about Obama's book Dreams From My Father. The professor's main goal was to project the idea and concept of bi-culturalism in Obama's work and to interpret Obama's journey in self-identity as a Black man.
At the end of the discussion, a woman of mixed heritage, like Obama, discussed how she felt disappointed by the fact that media referred to Barack Obama as African-American throughout the inauguration coverage without acknowledging the fact that his mother is white. Later on, a friend of mine mentioned this same issue, and so now I want to provide my response to that.
I have to admit, in my wanting to claim Barack Obama (and Michelle Obama) as a product of Black progress, I felt offended that people would try to minimize such a huge moment in Black history. But then, I reflected upon my emotional response to their sentiments and realized that in my desire to only see the black side of Obama, I am belittling and minimizing the experiences of biracial/multiracial people. That is not what I aim to do at all, and so even though I did not actually say anything about my monopolizing Obama's blackness to these individuals, I want to apologize for my short-sighted response.
Now, please don't get it twisted. I take pride in Obama's election, and I take pride in the Obama family living in the White House as a Black family. While I understand Obama's genetic and cultural heritage, I feel that because a significant part of his heritage and self-identity is Black that he represents, and if not represents, understands my struggles/issues/concerns as a Black person. In his book, Dreams From My Father, Obama does not deny his white lineage. At the same time his identity struggles have been based on the conflict between his outer appearance and his genetic reality. Biologically, race does not exist. Genetically, there are more differences between fruit flies than there are between humans. But socially, race exists and it matters. When people SEE Obama for the first time, they do not SEE his white mother. They SEE his brown skin. That is the reality of our society.
With all that said, the fact that people are even engaging in this conversation proves that we are NOT in a post-racial society as the media so often inaccurately report. Race still matters, and it should, but in a way that celebrates culture, not in a way that ignores and/or erases culture.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Airport Ettiquette
So, many of us are (or have been) traveling this holiday season, and we all know how interesting the airport can be. Some things, such as delays and cancellations, are really out of our control. We cannot control the weather or the planes' functionality, so those things we just have to suck up. However there are things that we can control, and I would like to touch on those a little.
1. If your plane leaves at 9:50, and you get to the gate at 9:40 and the door to the plane has closed, you are NOT early. Please do not scream to the top of your lungs about how it's not fair that you missed your plane because you were in the airport since 4:30 in the morning. No one cares. However, we are all going to be uneasy about the fact that you are making a scene. There is no need to curse and call people names because you can't tell time or do math.
2. Please try to wear as little cologne or perfume as possible, especially if it smells like bug spray. I know you want to smell good when you get to your final destination, but no one else wants to smell you. And once the smells start mixing together, that can cause some serious stomach upsets. So please, keep the fragrances to yourselves or at least wait until you are in a more ventilated area.
3. Please control your children. I love children, and I think they can be really cute and funny. I do not love when children are running through the airport like it's a playground, bumping into me and stepping on my feet, and kicking my seat on the airplane. Teach your children some manners BEFORE you arrive at the airport.
These are just a few pointers that will make everyone's trip more pleasant. Thanks.
1. If your plane leaves at 9:50, and you get to the gate at 9:40 and the door to the plane has closed, you are NOT early. Please do not scream to the top of your lungs about how it's not fair that you missed your plane because you were in the airport since 4:30 in the morning. No one cares. However, we are all going to be uneasy about the fact that you are making a scene. There is no need to curse and call people names because you can't tell time or do math.
2. Please try to wear as little cologne or perfume as possible, especially if it smells like bug spray. I know you want to smell good when you get to your final destination, but no one else wants to smell you. And once the smells start mixing together, that can cause some serious stomach upsets. So please, keep the fragrances to yourselves or at least wait until you are in a more ventilated area.
3. Please control your children. I love children, and I think they can be really cute and funny. I do not love when children are running through the airport like it's a playground, bumping into me and stepping on my feet, and kicking my seat on the airplane. Teach your children some manners BEFORE you arrive at the airport.
These are just a few pointers that will make everyone's trip more pleasant. Thanks.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Santa Claus is NOT coming to town!
I know that some people are going to be mad at me for writing this, but I believe in the truth.
When I was younger, I used to get very excited about Christmas. All the seasonal music and decorations gave me that cliche warm, fuzzy feeling inside. I loved to go Christmas shopping and picking out the perfect gift for those close to me, and I won't lie; I also used to love receiving those perfect gifts.
Now, I am not completely anti-Christmas. I do enjoy the celebrations and family gatherings. But looking at how commercialized and fake Christmas has become (or has always been, and I just never noticed) literally disgusts me. What annoys me the most is how people lie to their children about Santa Claus and have them sit on his lap at the mall and ask for Christmas gifts. The myth of Santa Claus places unnecessary pressure on parents/guardians to buy certain gifts for their children that they may not be able to afford.
Hypothetical situation (and I know that's a fragment, but work with me). Little Johnny makes straight A's in school, never talks back to his parents, and does all his chores. Meanwhile, Tom fails all of his classes, curses at his parents, and mutilates neighborhood pets. Johnny asks Santa for a bike and Tom does too. Johnny doesn't get a bike because his parents just don't have that kind of money this year. Tom's parents are swimming in money, so he gets a bike, a Wii, and a whole bunch of other stuff that he will never use. Where is the justice in that Santa? I know that money is not an issue for everyone, and I am not suggesting that people who are economically stable should not buy their children nice gifts. But if we are going attribute the gift-giving to Santa and his little list, then we should change "naughty" and "nice" to "rich" and "poor." An even better suggestion is to stop lying about Santa.
Some people will say, "Well Santa is a part of a tradition." So was slavery. That doesn't make it right. Telling children that Santa doesn't exist will not rob them of their innocence. There's nothing innocent about a man who gives gifts based on income.
Others might say "Well, you have to make sacrifices for your children." I speak from personal experience, my mother may have paid for my Christmas gifts by sacrificing paying bills, but I would rather her not be in debt trying to "play Santa." Children inherit the debt of their parents, so would you rather your children inherit your debt or inherit your love and values?
Think about it.
When I was younger, I used to get very excited about Christmas. All the seasonal music and decorations gave me that cliche warm, fuzzy feeling inside. I loved to go Christmas shopping and picking out the perfect gift for those close to me, and I won't lie; I also used to love receiving those perfect gifts.
Now, I am not completely anti-Christmas. I do enjoy the celebrations and family gatherings. But looking at how commercialized and fake Christmas has become (or has always been, and I just never noticed) literally disgusts me. What annoys me the most is how people lie to their children about Santa Claus and have them sit on his lap at the mall and ask for Christmas gifts. The myth of Santa Claus places unnecessary pressure on parents/guardians to buy certain gifts for their children that they may not be able to afford.
Hypothetical situation (and I know that's a fragment, but work with me). Little Johnny makes straight A's in school, never talks back to his parents, and does all his chores. Meanwhile, Tom fails all of his classes, curses at his parents, and mutilates neighborhood pets. Johnny asks Santa for a bike and Tom does too. Johnny doesn't get a bike because his parents just don't have that kind of money this year. Tom's parents are swimming in money, so he gets a bike, a Wii, and a whole bunch of other stuff that he will never use. Where is the justice in that Santa? I know that money is not an issue for everyone, and I am not suggesting that people who are economically stable should not buy their children nice gifts. But if we are going attribute the gift-giving to Santa and his little list, then we should change "naughty" and "nice" to "rich" and "poor." An even better suggestion is to stop lying about Santa.
Some people will say, "Well Santa is a part of a tradition." So was slavery. That doesn't make it right. Telling children that Santa doesn't exist will not rob them of their innocence. There's nothing innocent about a man who gives gifts based on income.
Others might say "Well, you have to make sacrifices for your children." I speak from personal experience, my mother may have paid for my Christmas gifts by sacrificing paying bills, but I would rather her not be in debt trying to "play Santa." Children inherit the debt of their parents, so would you rather your children inherit your debt or inherit your love and values?
Think about it.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
“I See Your True Colors Shinin’ Through….”
In the words of Nas: “If this offends you, then it’s supposed to.”
Five days ago, the United States elected its first Black President, and I am very proud. Unfortunately, I feel that this election has brought out the worst in some people. I’m hoping that these bigots represent an exception, after all, Obama did win by a large margin. However, based on my experiences (both first and second hand) during this past week, I’m not inclined to believe that things have changed.
On Wednesday, I was so excited especially after talking to my grandparents. I remember my grandfather telling me a story of how he had to take literacy tests when he first started voting. To hear the excitement in his voice after the election made me feel so great. I wanted to share his story with the world, but there was no outlet for me to do so. That same night, I went to class (in which I am one of two Black people), and everyone was so hesitant to talk about the election. My professor (an Obama supporter) tried to bring it up, but most of the people had nothing to say. I felt silenced by everyone else’s animosity, and I felt like that the whole week.
I am tired of being quiet. I refuse to be silenced by the hatred and ignorance of bigots. This country was built on the backs and by the hands of my BLACK ancestors, and they did not give me the freedom to speak so that you could take it away with your racist sentiments. I don’t care what you think about me voting for Barack Obama. I want you to see the smile on my face. You bigots deserve to be angry and disappointed. We’ve experienced lifetimes (yes multiple) of anger and disappointment.
So to “my friends” who are salty about the election, thank you for showing me your true colors.
Five days ago, the United States elected its first Black President, and I am very proud. Unfortunately, I feel that this election has brought out the worst in some people. I’m hoping that these bigots represent an exception, after all, Obama did win by a large margin. However, based on my experiences (both first and second hand) during this past week, I’m not inclined to believe that things have changed.
On Wednesday, I was so excited especially after talking to my grandparents. I remember my grandfather telling me a story of how he had to take literacy tests when he first started voting. To hear the excitement in his voice after the election made me feel so great. I wanted to share his story with the world, but there was no outlet for me to do so. That same night, I went to class (in which I am one of two Black people), and everyone was so hesitant to talk about the election. My professor (an Obama supporter) tried to bring it up, but most of the people had nothing to say. I felt silenced by everyone else’s animosity, and I felt like that the whole week.
I am tired of being quiet. I refuse to be silenced by the hatred and ignorance of bigots. This country was built on the backs and by the hands of my BLACK ancestors, and they did not give me the freedom to speak so that you could take it away with your racist sentiments. I don’t care what you think about me voting for Barack Obama. I want you to see the smile on my face. You bigots deserve to be angry and disappointed. We’ve experienced lifetimes (yes multiple) of anger and disappointment.
So to “my friends” who are salty about the election, thank you for showing me your true colors.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
America's Victory and Our Responsibility
As I reflect upon this historical moment, I feel an overwhelming sense of pride and love for my black people, but also for my country. I have never really considered myself a patriot, but tonight I can say that I’m proud to be an American.
Barack Obama’s victory is definitely a victory for all of us – blacks and all minorities, whites, children, women, men. The fact that a black man is now President of a predominantly white country speaks to the progress that our country has made, and for that, I am particularly elated.
My emotions are great, but so is my grounding in reality. I do not mean any of this to take away from the greatness of what we have all witnessed on November 4, 2008. However, we as black people need to make sure that we do not place unrealistic expectations on our President. I am not saying that he should forget about us. But he has a lot of people to keep in mind because we are not the only ones struggling in this country.
Often times we place too much responsibility on our leaders and none on ourselves. Yes, we voted, but that’s only a part of the process of change. We cannot expect Obama to fix an eight-year mess overnight. We also cannot expect him to do it alone. I heard one media personality say that we should make sure that we hold Obama to his promises, and we should. But we should not hold him to unrealistic demands. For example, we are not getting reparations, and we need to let that go. Instead we should focus on community building and our role in helping Obama bring about change.
What worries me most about the responses of some of my peers to this election is their misinformed (or uninformed) perception that racism is over now. We do not need to become complacent. Racism is not over. We should look at our progress toward equality as marathon, not a 200 meter dash. We have come a long way in the race (no pun intended), but we still have a long way to go. The worst thing we can do is think that racism is over now because we have a black President. Instead we should use this moment as inspiration to keep running the marathon to end racism and all inequality.
No one should be expected to change the world by him/herself. I believe Obama can change the world, we have to help him. An America that is void of inequality…now that is the American Dream.
Barack Obama’s victory is definitely a victory for all of us – blacks and all minorities, whites, children, women, men. The fact that a black man is now President of a predominantly white country speaks to the progress that our country has made, and for that, I am particularly elated.
My emotions are great, but so is my grounding in reality. I do not mean any of this to take away from the greatness of what we have all witnessed on November 4, 2008. However, we as black people need to make sure that we do not place unrealistic expectations on our President. I am not saying that he should forget about us. But he has a lot of people to keep in mind because we are not the only ones struggling in this country.
Often times we place too much responsibility on our leaders and none on ourselves. Yes, we voted, but that’s only a part of the process of change. We cannot expect Obama to fix an eight-year mess overnight. We also cannot expect him to do it alone. I heard one media personality say that we should make sure that we hold Obama to his promises, and we should. But we should not hold him to unrealistic demands. For example, we are not getting reparations, and we need to let that go. Instead we should focus on community building and our role in helping Obama bring about change.
What worries me most about the responses of some of my peers to this election is their misinformed (or uninformed) perception that racism is over now. We do not need to become complacent. Racism is not over. We should look at our progress toward equality as marathon, not a 200 meter dash. We have come a long way in the race (no pun intended), but we still have a long way to go. The worst thing we can do is think that racism is over now because we have a black President. Instead we should use this moment as inspiration to keep running the marathon to end racism and all inequality.
No one should be expected to change the world by him/herself. I believe Obama can change the world, we have to help him. An America that is void of inequality…now that is the American Dream.
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