To embark upon a soul-searching journey is to ask challenging questions and come to grips with sometimes harsh realities. However daunting, the process is worthwhile.
In the previous post, I shared some of my frustrations with trying to pick a career path. Sitting around waiting for the light bulb to finally come on was stressing me out. In the meantime, I was driving myself crazy, literally, and not really paying attention to how my neurosis was affecting other people.
When I was in undergrad, I used to attend all these events. I knew too many professors, and they were always inviting me to things. (Actually, you can never know to many professors if you plan on pursuing a career in academia, and you must accept their invitations so you can meet more professors.) Anyway, at one of these events each professor in the History department was asked to give words of wisdom to the graduating students. The only line of advice I remember from that day was, "Don't become obsessed."
I wanted so badly to follow that advice, but I think I was already to deep in my own obsessions to truly believe in anything different. Even though I have learned to deal with my perfectionism to some degree, I am still obsessive - mostly because there are so many things in my life that lie beyond my control.
Rational people know that stressing over things you can't control makes no sense. I, however, do not fall into that category of rational people. I used to be very rational before I ever flirted with the idea that I can make a career out of something I enjoy rather than being confined to the typical career paths I had previously envisioned. Passion has made me irrational, or at least my romanticized perception of passion.
Somehow, I developed the illusion that if I was passionate about something, everything would flow nicely. For example, if I was passionate about building homeless shelters, I would love every aspect of a job that allowed me to do what I love. People are quick to use that cliche, "If you find something you truly love, you will never work a day in your life." Well, that's the kind of bull contributing to my delusional views of passion. In reality, pursuing one's passion can be highly time-consuming, costly, and stressful. People who want to be doctors have to endure medical school first, and no matter how smart they are or how badly they want to be doctors, there are parts of medical school that they hate. This applies to any profession.
Aside from delusion, trying to live up to expectations outside of your own creates emotional tension as well. As I reflect upon decisions I've made in the past regarding how to best pursue my passion, listening to other people caused me to miss out on some training that could have been beneficial. I don't regret my decisions because I have learned invaluable lessons about myself and other people. Actually, it's only through realizing how much others' expectations affect me that I've been able to understand why my I found myself in such a state of instability.
I plan to continue working through my anxieties concerning my career and my future. I know that God has been opening my eyes, my heart, and my mind and helping me build confidence in my ability and my judgment. I will join the ranks of the rational once again, but I'm bringing my passion with me.
